Love

It was my birthday yesterday. Today marks a month since I’ve moved to Bangkok to look for a job. I haven’t had any luck. I haven’t even received a single call for an interview. It has been a month of exploration and letting go. So I haven’t thought about writing any new blogs. So this is like a summary of the month that has passed. I have learned and grown immensely but I feel like something is missing. I can’t figure out what. As if something is hiding in plain sight, right under my nose.

I’ve been staying with a friend and slept on his couch for a few nights. I went out of the city and slept over at a friend’s place. Then I travelled to the seaside and met up with a friend who runs a durian farm. Never knew what durian trees looked like till then and I never bothered to google it. One of my favourite highlights was when I went to watch the 50th anniversary remastered showing of The Godfather at the theatres. I went there alone and the place was almost empty. My eyes were fixed on the film and I was engrossed throughout the entire film. I think this was my fourth time watching but it was a dream come true to be able to watch it on the big screen. It’s the little things.

I haven’t exactly been healthy. When I say I let myself go, I meant I really let myself free to do whatever I felt like doing. I’ve been so focused on being the perfect human being that sometimes I neglect my flaws. I drink and sometimes I pick up a cigarette. Yet it no longer feels like a huge taboo to me. It’s definitely not good but during this period, a transitional period, I am just watching where the stream will go. Let it flow. No judgement. No self-hate. Appreciate the small things in life, be aware of the flaws. See what makes me happy, see what makes me feel bad. What? Why? How?

Everyone has parts in themselves that they reject. And then there will be people whose parts they accept but you can’t because you can’t accept parts of you that are similar to that. By not forcing things and by accepting the ugly parts of myself, I’m learning to accept others better. To be more understanding and sympathetic. Humans are complicated beings but we’re all still human.

Love.